Guidance Counseling // Dummy Dumpster
Coffee, Commuting and Coitus
It was a year ago exactly that we featured Mike Schadwell’s glorious, sweaty body on the cover of ANTIGRAVITY. His band of many years and many incarnations, Dummy Dumpster, had just released their first 7” record, “Music for House Plants.” Skip ahead to now and they’ve taken their proto-punk funk, born in da Parish, from Mike’s garage all the way in Arabi to the Living Room Studios in Algiers, where they cut their latest release, Moles N Beans. Tracks like “I’m Strong” “We’re Hot” and “Hand Grenade Lemonade” show the Dummies have really matured… to third grade! With such muscle-flexing bravado, we thought Mike a great inspirational speaker for this month’s lost herd. You can catch Dummy Dumpster this month at Andre Fest on May 20th and May 30th at Siberia. Squeeze a big fat ass!
My girlfriend is one of those people who order totally ridiculous coffee drinks, like a half decalf soy latte with a shot of hazelnut, etc. etc. It’s really annoying because I drink my shit black with a little milk, creamer, whatever and it’s embarrassing to order when I’m on a run. Would it be rude if I just refused to bring her coffee until she simplifies her coffee tastes?
Yes, it would be but I guess it depends on if you really like her or not. Me, if I really like her I would get her the ridiculous coffee because you never know, a month or a year later she might wind up having sex with one of your buddies and her excuse might be “You never loved me because of that time I asked you to get the hazzlenut cappacino frappee blueberry swirl and you wouldn’t do it.” So to avoid all of that I’d get the damn coffee because you know someone else is going to.
I’m in a long distance relationship… with someone from the Westbank. I live in New Orleans East, so it feels that way, any way. We both want to spend a lot of time together, but when it’s “your place or mine” time, we don’t know what to do, since going to either’s house means a huge commute for the other one, come morning time. And moving in together does not seem like an option right now. What should we do?
I guess this one depends on y’all money situation. Gas is high right now; if it’s too much maybe y’all can just hang out a few days a week. You always have the phone. Plus absense makes the heart grow fonder. But if you can afford to commute, why not? I would, but I’m the kind of person that will ride my bike 20 miles in the rain to spend time with someone I like. But I like riding the bike for distances in the rain anyway as long as it’s not lightning or cold. And you’d have to take the ferry to get to the Westbank unless you got the balls to go over the Mississippi River on a bike. That better be some nice ass.
I want to buy my girlfriend a sex toy, but there are so many types… I’m not sure where to start looking, either. I don’t want to go to one of those cheesy shops in the Quarter. Any recommendations?
Well, I know they got one on Parish Road in Chalmette and one on Chef in New Orleans East. But I never really bought a sex toy before. My best recommendation is to get one shaped like a penis and one that doesn’t make your penis look like a Vienna Sausage.